The essence does not change (4)
Today, I was organizing papers with the help of Asena and Grandma.
My body was aching.
I fell asleep while looking at the documents and woke up at my desk.
I couldn’t say that the fatigue was completely relieved…but it wasn’t to the point that I couldn’t stand it. As such, I started working again from the moment I opened my eyes.
Besides, Asena was helping me, so I couldn’t rest any longer.
If I put off the task for a while to make myself comfortable, Asena will take care of the task for me.
For her to rest, she had no choice but to finish her work. Now, the preparation itself was coming to an end. If it was over, I thought I would be heading out in the near future.
So, right after waking up, at dawn, when the day began to dawn, I lit a candle that had been extinguished again and picked up a quill.
As time passed, Asena and her grandmother also entered the office, and the current state was completed.
“Asena, I’ll ask you to sign this.”
I handed Asena a piece of paper and said,
It was the content that confirmed the troops and armament supported by the affiliated families.
Asena was handed me a paper…and returned it back to me.
“Your brother signed it.”
“Huh…? Why do I sign it? It’s you who goes.”
Asena replied indifferently.
“…I’ve been thinking about it, but I think it’s right for you to replace me until the war breaks out.”
“……”
“……”
“…are you having a hard time? Asena, I can’t. Stop putting it down and go get some rest-“
“No, that’s not it.”
Grandma also slowly approached us and listened.
“……I want to rebuild my brother’s position that I ruined.”
Asena says with a guilty expression.
“……..”
“It’s not limited to the story within our family, but let’s make an official announcement. My brother has temporarily replaced me as the head of Pryster.”
“…do you really have to do that?”
We didn’t tell anyone, but we knew how bizarre my position on paper was.
He used to be a Priest from commoners, but was expelled from his family. Come back to that state again, and you’re the head of Priest’s deputy.
There is no reason to be conscious of other people’s gaze…but it was clear that the subordinate families were confused about what rhythm to match when looking at us.
So, in my heart, I wanted to return everything to its original state.
Asena will become the head of the house.
She doesn’t have to pay a lot. All you have to do is move the quill and sign.
But Asena firmly shook her head.
“…Trust me, brother. This is the way for you.”
Her two eyes looked straight at me.
Looking into those eyes, I didn’t even have any doubts.
“…I need to show that my brother is… still close with us. To make sure this doesn’t happen again. It’s my fault…but I want to fix it.”
Grandma, who was listening to us, said:
“Do what Asena says. Even if you go to war, you’ll be better off that side. If you have the power of acting as the head of Priest, you will be able to lead smoothly.”
“…..Hmm.”
“Besides, it wasn’t a long time ago that you were expelled. It is difficult to reverse a perception once established. Without knowing it, you may be ignored. It shouldn’t be in war.”
Asena also opened her mouth again and gave strength to her plan.
“Think of what happens after the war is over. Now it’s true that my brother continues to be in Gaju. Don’t worry too much… The war should be won without problems…”
I nodded.
“….okay. The war… should end easily.”
Grandma nods and turns the subject.
“….okay. by the way. Asena, how is the cause of the war going?”
Asena looked at her grandmother, and then glared at me.
“…The rumors spread that my brother was expelled from the family… as a bait to find people who were not loyal to us. The way the Payne took the bait.”
“……It’s a little clumsy.”
“Still, better than nothing.”
“okay. That’s it.”
Like this, all three of us seemed to be preparing for war without any problems…but, in fact, there was something that everyone was desperately turning away from.
Although it was a very important topic, no one raised the question.
how will i be
okay. I took the place of Asena as head of Priest.
But, it was all because there was no one who deserved it. Also, I made this choice because I thought it would be advantageous for the war, and my position on paper has not changed just because I became the head of state.
I was still not a fryer. After being expelled, nothing has changed.
Everyone knew that.
My grandmother respected my choices, so it didn’t seem like she was going to bring up the topic.
Asena didn’t seem to ask because she was afraid of my answer. Or, as I said, you gave up on me, so you may not have to hold on to me.
And I…
“….after.”
I sighed. First, I decided to focus on the war.
****
Having said that Kirsi’s condition had deteriorated, I left the office and headed to her room.
“If it gets worse, what is it specifically?”
I asked Thein, the butler, who was walking next to me.
“…You have lost your energy. I mean… you still can’t. The senator is looking at it now, so why not go and talk…”
I nodded.
In Kirsi’s room, as he had said, there was a lawmaker.
He bows to greet me at my appearance.
But my eyes were fixed on Kirsi.
She waved her hand with a smile on her face. Even in the midst of weakness, it makes me sad to smile when I see myself.
I thought it was getting better recently… but it’s getting worse. When this happens, Asena starts to worry too.
Even Kirsi, who thought he was healthy, became like this again.
“…Kirsi.”
I walked over to her and looked at her worriedly.
I didn’t know what to say.
I felt even more uncomfortable because it seemed that my marriage to Judy and… the things that I refused to do for sandwiches seemed to have contributed to this situation.
Kirsey smiled, scratching her cheek, wondering if it was okay for me to worry about that.
“…..Hehe..”
I couldn’t look at that smile.
Finally, he turned his gaze to the senator.
“…does your brother… have a disease? Why can’t I get better…?”
The senator looks at me and Kirsi in turn, and gets up from his seat.
Then he politely led me out of the room.
My heart sank at his actions.
I wonder if he really got sick.
Only when Kirsi was in a position where he could not hear our conversation did the senator open his mouth.
“Now, Kirsi-sama’s physical condition is… as you can see, it is not in good condition.”
“……Yes, it looks like it.”
“The aphasia should show signs of getting better now… but he still can’t say anything.”
“……”
“Kayden. Kirsey-sama… you’re still in good health. I mean physically. You’re a little underweight, but that shouldn’t be a problem. He said that he had no cough, no fever, and no particular discomfort.”
“…Then why…”
“…It’s similar to the reason you got aphasia…”
The senator was hesitant to speak, holding his breath.
“……You are still under a lot of stress. You are enduring great anger or sadness, or you are enduring your own desires. Kirsi-sama right now… is showing symptoms that only appear in people who hide their true self.”
“……”
“In a slang word, you have a disease of the heart.”
I looked at Kirsi through the door. It’s so easy to make eye contact with her.
Kirsi was still looking at me.
When I look at her face, I can only remember that sad smile over and over again.
Ehehe, that difficult smile that smiles.
It was obvious that she was sad without even looking closely, but I never expected it to be this far.
The senator continued to explain to me, who was speechless.
“…it shouldn’t be like this. When mental illness deepens, it leads to mental illness. Apart from that in the first place, it is already affecting me physically. Aphasia will not get better either.”
“……”
“……You have to watch closely. It is in a precarious state.”
My heart ached more. It reminded me of how I had to smile even though I was pushed to the limit.
…you still love me so much. Still, he couldn’t reach his hand out of guilt, so he smiled and admitted to the other women.
The senator goes on to say.
“Aphasia doesn’t last long. Even if it gets better, there may be sequelae. If it’s the same, you should be getting better by now… Maybe even though you can speak, your mental illness prevents you from being able to speak.”
“…Anyway…the aphasia should have gotten better by now…Is that mean?”
“yes. If you can’t, you should be able to say a word or two.”
After hearing only that, I walked back into the room.
I stopped by Kirsi’s bed and looked down at her.
she is still smiling
I could feel the pain in it.
I had to hold back the sigh I was about to let out in front of her.
…I threw away all my miscellaneous thoughts.
“…Kirsi.”
“……?”
“…let’s go for a walk.”
I too, like her, said with a forced smile. He smiled as if nothing had happened, as if nothing had happened.
Kirsi’s eyes lit up with vigor…. Her body stopped, and then she let out that laughter.
“…Ehehehe…”
and wave your hand He picked up a quill and a piece of paper next to him and scribbled something on it.
Go with Daisy or Judy. Did you have a good meal with your grandmother yesterday?
I stared at the paper she had picked up for a moment, then gently grabbed it and threw it back.
“Uh..?”
He leaned over to Kirsi, who was startled and stopped.
He then lifted her up by putting his arms under her back and legs.
“Huh?!”
He quickly dragged her out of the room. He knew what Kirsi liked.
Kirsi, who had struggled for a while, soon calmed down.
She seemed to know where I was going now.
I could tell she actually wanted this walk too. The resistance was broken so easily.
When I looked down at Kirsi, she was pulling her lips down as if she was about to cry, unlike the awkward smile she had before.
But it was clearly her real face. It was a hidden emotion.
His face was red like a blush again, and he knew he was shy.
Familiar yet unfamiliar But I, too, am now feeling the remorse.
The congestion that had been blocking my heart seemed to have gone down. Knowing that you shouldn’t do this if you want to push Kirsi out… Why does this choice feel so right?
Soon we arrive at the stable.
The weather was perfect for a walk. White puffy clouds in the blue sky. Cool breeze and the right temperature.
Kirsi’s eyes were now glancing at the surrounding landscape.
I asked the stable keeper to bring Rush.
Meanwhile, I looked down at Kirsi again.
As my gaze reached her, Kirsey hid her expression by burying her face in my arms.
Is it because it’s been a while? My hands are starting to sweat.
“…do you want to go?”
Now that it’s decided to leave, I ask Kirsi.
Kirsi stayed still for a while, as if he would not answer…. He slowly nodded his head.
Also, he wanted to leave.
“…Lake Aiden?”
Kirsi shakes her head at my question.
“… River Lear?”
This time, she shakes her head.
“……Then it must be Mels Plain.”
And just then, Kirsi nodded.
I followed her and nodded with her.
“….okay. There must have been a lot of flowers.”
****
The rush ran smoothly. He secretly stroked Kirsi’s mane and thanked him.
Kirsi was sitting in a rush with both legs outstretched to the right.
Unlike when I hugged her from the room, now she was hugging me.
As if that signaled, she was fooling me like she used to.
Of course, the reason he hugged me so strongly was that he didn’t want to fall from Rush, but Rush was running so smoothly… I could see Kirsey’s heart.
Soon we arrived at a familiar plain.
As it was the place I usually walked to, the scenery I saw from the rush was also different.
I wrapped my back around Kirsi, who was putting her head in my arms, to prevent it from falling, and told me to turn my head.
“Kirsi. turn your head arrived.”
She followed me.
Colorful flowers greeted us.
In the meantime, I was only looking at Kirsi. He couldn’t see the flowers and focused only on the emotions that were blooming on her face.
Kirsi’s eyes slowly closed and opened repeatedly.
I wasn’t as excited as I used to be.
I just blankly accept the beautiful scenery.
Even this change touched my heart.
– Tuk.
Kicking Rush on the side, he drove Rush to a large tree in the distance.
Usually Kirsi and Asena like to sit still in the shade of that tree.
butterfly. dragonfly. rabbit. bird. And so on…. Various living things roamed around vigorously.
When they reach the tree, they even find a squirrel holding an acorn with a silly expression on it.
Kirsi smiled slightly at the squirrel. It was a smile that wasn’t awkward and didn’t break my heart.
Under the shade, I jumped out of the rush first.
Then he grabs Kirsi by the waist and lifts her up and down.
Standing on the floor, Kirsi took a deep breath of the surrounding air. It warms my heart looking at it. She smiled and moved on.
…and then staggers straight away.
Without hesitation, as before, I hugged her.
Again, like a princess, she embraces me in my arms.
This time, Kirsey also blushed. The smile that had appeared on her face disappeared, and she gradually took on a serious expression. He gulped with an apologetic expression…. As if his expression was embarrassing, he buried his face in my arms again.
.
.
.
Until evening came and the sun began to set, Kirsi and I did not move at all.
I was sitting leaning against a tree, Kirsi sitting on my thigh, arms around my neck.
Suddenly, I did not push Kirsi, who naturally hugged my neck like a lover.
But now it was time to go back. I just hope her stress is relieved a bit.
“…Kirsi.”
First time in a long time. When I called her name, Kirsi looked up at me.
“…were the flowers pretty?”
She nodded.
“…..okay. Let’s go back now.”
Having said that, Kirsi shook his head as he stood up. She wanted more. She, who has given up everything recently… wants something for herself.
And at her actions like that, my body hardens.
The power in my body is naturally released, and I look at the setting sun.
yes, if only a little. Let’s stay a little longer.
…and how much time has passed?
Now it was really getting late.
But… what I want to bring out this time is not let’s go back.
It was one question.
I couldn’t stop this question from leaving my mouth any longer.
“…Kirsi.”
“……”
“…can’t it really be me?”
Kirsch didn’t move. I couldn’t move either. I kept waiting for how Kirsi’s head, leaning in my arms, would shake.
But there was no shaking of her head.
“……I can’t… I can’t.”
Because Kirsi opened his mouth.
