“Come on… … .”
“Sorry, we came a little early. It’s been a while since we’ve gathered together, but it’s a little bit like sitting on the street.”
“no… I was bored, but I’m fine… … .”
Min-seo Oh, who was afraid to ring the doorbell, came out and led us into the house with a smile on her face.
Upon entering the entrance hall, the glittering marble floor and antique-style interior decoration caught my eye. No matter how many times I looked at it, it was a villa that still felt luxurious to me.
“Wow, what is all this?”
Seeing the dishes on the table, Yu Ga-ryun opened her mouth with a mochi.
“Minseo, you also said that you shouldn’t prepare too much by yourself. Because we each decided to bring one dish.”
“ah… It did… … ? I’m sorry, stop taking them one by one… … .”
Min-seo Oh shed a shy smile at Lee Da-som’s point.
“What, what? Good is good.”
Chae Snow Ha said so and hid the plastic bag she was holding behind her back. It was a bag containing the ingredients for the budaejjigae.
“sister.”
“yes?”
“Hey, please tell me how to make Budae Jjigae.”
“Uh, suddenly? And there are so many foods, what kind of budaejjigae is it? I’ll tell you later, so today—”
“I want to eat Budaejjigae that my sister cooked. How much did I expect?”
With those words, Yu Ga-ryun pushed Chae Seol-ha’s back to the kitchen, and after a while, the house was filled with the delicious smell of budae-jjigae along with a bubbling sound.
“… … You can take a bite and don’t eat it if you don’t want to.”
Chae Seol-ha muttered with a gloomy expression and put down the pot with budaejjigae.
Yu Ga-ryun, who had come out with a plate in front of her as if she was getting feverish at that one word, raised her axe’s eyes and responded.
“sister!”
“Yeah, Seolha. why do you keep doing that I think it will just taste good.”
“Yeah, it’s really delicious… … .”
“Well then, I’m glad… … .”
Chae Seol-ha sighed as if she was relieved by the favorable reception that followed.
The food that is placed on the table is followed by a story flower unfolding one by one. The rigid atmosphere had long since disappeared as if it had been false.
Foreign comedy films set on Christmas were playing on television.
“Why is that, Dojin-ah? Sit down and eat quickly. I will cool off.”
“okay… Don’t stand idly by… … .”
It was calm.
Everyone was in their normal daily life. Only I felt separated from the space.
“Pooh, yaa, I’ll have to watch this at the end of the year as well.”
Chae Seol-ha muttered while chewing the pizza. Even more exaggerated than usual, I could see that this woman had not forgotten her promise to me.
I’m just trying to dismiss it as something that didn’t happen.
“Shall we decorate our house like that? A thief might come in, so if you put the iron on the ceiling like that, it’s quaint… … .”
“Isn’t the first thing to find a thief with the guts to get into this house?”
In fact, I kept thinking. My confession cannot be accepted. As in the past, it will be mercilessly broken and scattered on the pavement.
The confession was like a period of sorts. Anxiety, anguish, and sexual desire that constantly throb in my head. The end of the relationship to get rid of all the pain.
But at the same time, he was caught up in the possibility of less than a handful, and he was drunk on a fantasy that would never come.
That’s why I didn’t send a message to Chae Seol-ha last night. Even from the moment I left the door in the morning, I put the hopeless possibility in the corner of my mind, believing that she had something to do with it.
I never expected that it would end like this.
“Now, turn the gift clockwise until the song is over.”
An upbeat carol flows from Dasom’s smartphone. Packed boxes were circulating in a circle.
“End!”
“I need to take a quick look… … .”
As the carol finished, rustling noises began to fill the room.
“Oh, I’m glad. Dojin got it.”
Seeing the box in my hand, Dasom smiled broadly.
“No matter how hard I looked, I couldn’t buy it if I didn’t want to buy it. When everything is assembled, take a picture and send it to my sister.”
“Uh, yes. Thank you, sister.”
What Dasom gave as a gift was the latest plastic model that had just been released. It was quite expensive, so I was trying to buy it by collecting part-time work expenses.
“What were you planning to do if someone other than your brother received it?”
“Yes? It’s okay, I just bought another one just in case.”
“It’s not that, because the only person who enjoys plastic models here is my brother.”
“Ah, then you’re playing while learning how to assemble from Dojin.”
“Yeah, that’s right. Shall I start a plastic model right now… … .”
In response to Dasom’s answer, Yu Ga-ryun wiggled her fingers with an expression of realization.
Next, Minseo Oh opened the box.
“What is this… … badge… ?”
“Ah, that. It’s a keychain I made.”
Yu Ga-ryun raised her hand and answered.
“It’s not our club logo… … ?”
“Yes, I made it because it was a waste to design it. It has to be some kind of goods.”
“pretty… .”
Minseo Oh shone like a child’s eyes and waved the key ring back and forth. Seeing this, Ga-ryun Yu showed a soft smile as if she was proud.
“Where, where is mine… … . Gloves?”
“Oh, that’s mine.”
While Dasom was touching the fur gloves that came out of the box, a cautious voice intervened from somewhere. was mined.
“Surely, did you wake up yourself?”
“Ahaha… I don’t have money, so I’ve been knitting for a long time. Well, if it’s cumbersome, you don’t even have to wear it.”
Chae Seol-ha looks at Lee Da-som with anxious eyes.
“no! how pretty is this I think it’s prettier because you said you made it yourself. thanks This winter, I won’t be hurting because of my cute little brother.”
Hearing Dasom’s answer, Chae Seol-ha fiddled with her hair as if embarrassed.
“Seolha… … . Don’t just look at other people’s stuff, just open yours. Hurry up… … .”
“yes? Ah, so be it.”
At the urging of Oh Min-seo, Chae Seol-ha opened the box in my hand.
“It’s also a glove. Wait, isn’t this there? channel.”
“After all, you’ve gone glue… I’m glad, I thought it would suit Seolha perfectly… … .”
“No, no, I can’t take this. What is so expensive?”
Min-seo Oh smiles brightly at Chae Seol-ha, who is waving her hand as if it’s burdensome, and shakes her head.
“Compared to this club, that kind of money is nothing, so it’s okay… … . Now that I’m done, let’s try putting it on… … .”
Min-seo Oh put a glove on Chae Seol-ha, who had an unwilling expression on her face.
“Oh, you’re pretty… … . Wear it tight, okay… … .”
“Ugh, thank you.”
He smiled lightly while stroking the gloves that were on his hands.
Suddenly, my hand was cold. And the whole process felt like a joke. The feeling of continuing to dream of a dream that should have been awake earlier, that unpleasant feeling throbbed in my head.
“wait… … . Then, it must be a gift that Dojin prepared for the pretty… … ?”
“Sweetie, rip it off.”
“Ah, yes, yes.”
There was a lot of muttering around, but no one came in.
“This is… … Fountain pen… … ?”
“The names of the members are also engraved. really pretty.”
“Oh, brother. Thank you so much. I will cherish it for the rest of my life—”
Eyes opened. An unpleasant sensation, like tiny fingers running through my head, ran through my temples. His lips were dry and burning softly.
I picked up a bottle that was rolling around and shook it to my mouth. Along with the rattling sound, a subtle stimulus was transmitted through the tongue, and the lumps that filled the throat began to be pushed away.
It must have been a dream. Before waking up, I always dream the same dream. For me, it was now a daily routine.
Yes, everything was the same. Just as the sun rises in the sky when you open your eyes, when you go to school, there are clubs and Chae Seol-ha. They go to a cafe after watching a movie, chatting and grunting at night. Ordinary daily life, peaceful life, small happiness.
The fun continues to the point where the Christmas party seems insignificant. It was such a time that Chae Seol-ha wanted, and I knew very well why she wanted it.
but can’t go back
Everything has changed since I decided to give some definition to my relationship with Chae Seol-ha. Chaseol-ha tried to postpone his daily life as if in denial, but there was a slight tremor in the shoulder that he was walking on from time to time, and there was a mild fear in his eyes looking at me.
Most of all, she didn’t want to be alone with me anymore.
I felt like waking up from a dream. No, it would be correct to say that it has returned to its original state.
After realizing the reality, there were not many things that bothered me. The things I’ve done to my friends so far, and the things I’ve said with myself, felt like an unfamiliar delusion.
I was just sorry. Suddenly, I felt as if I had vaguely understood the reason why Chae Seol-ha rejected my confession.
I thought about wanting to slap Chae Seol-ha’s cheek like that. Then he bowed his head in surprise. Because it was unbearably embarrassing for me to think like that.
Do I have any qualifications for that? It is like a nobleman among nobles who picked me up and put me on the edge of people, who lived like a mining man, such as a life saver. If it wasn’t for her in the first place, the relationship wouldn’t have even started.
However, he could not erase the impression that he was greedy.
Ever since I had that thought, I didn’t go to clubs. Because every time I saw Chae Seol-ha’s face, I felt something coming up.
The reason I went to school was gone, so I didn’t go to lectures either. No, I didn’t go outside. He ate only enough to not die, and only breathed enough to not die.
Everything I had done so far felt like nothing. The cell phone flew away and was left smashed. I heard a knock on the door from time to time, but I didn’t care.
I can’t help but just sit there blankly like a mutt who got on top of a b*tch and shook her back and got kicked on her hind legs.
Sitting down and thinking is usually the same. How did this happen? It certainly wasn’t like this when I was younger. If you trace the past like that, you will eventually meet Chae Seol-ha, which leads to that night again.
It was around that time that I started drinking. It was because he found out that he could go back to the past through drinking. I began to immerse myself in getting rid of the dark past that embroidered my head.
But in the end, it’s just a dream. No matter how hard I try to change the past, my dreams never know what I don’t know. Everything repeats and I screw everything up once again.
As I was about to start drinking again, I heard a beeping electronic sound from somewhere. It was the sound of the door lock being unlocked.
I lifted my head and looked towards the front door, and my father was standing there. I don’t usually go to school, so the school seems to have contacted me.
Father looked around the house for a long time without saying a word,
“You pathetic bastard.”
He left just one word and left. You didn’t ask the reason for the chip. More than that, he didn’t look at my face at all. As always, I was just sorry.
I led my staggering body and turned on the computer. And I applied for enlistment.
It was because it seemed that going to the military would be a less troublesome way to my parents than to waste time. Besides, it will be after Chae Seol-ha graduates in two years. There were many reasons not to go.
On the day of enlistment, at the entrance to the training camp, there are diverse groups of people, from families hugging with tears to a couple holding hands, looking at each other and not thinking about falling apart, to a few young men laughing and making fun of their enlisted friends. had gathered
I was alone.
As I was about to move to the entrance of the training camp in a hurry with a creepy feeling tightening my chest, someone grabbed my shoulder.
“Do, Jin-ah. Is it Dojin?”
was mined. As if she had jumped, she gasped and exhaled harshly. Then, as if nothing happened, he smiled at me and opened his mouth.
“Ugh, hey! Even if you go to the army, you have to tell me when you are going.”
“Why did you come?”
There was a coldness in the voice that flowed out of his throat to the point that he was embarrassed by himself. However, he continued to talk with a playful expression on his face, not paying attention to the snow.
“Why? Of course I came to see you off. Ja-shik, was it because you didn’t want to go to school these days, but you got a warrant and your mentality exploded? I have to tell you though, how much I worried about you around you.”
Chae Seol-ha taps my shoulder and says in a cheerful voice. It was a look that had not changed in the slightest from the everyday girl I remembered.
Suddenly, an unfamiliar feeling of discomfort ran up the back of my neck.
“You know, Chae Seol-ha.”
“yes?”
“It’s uncomfortable for you to do this.”
The twinkling lights in Chae Seol-ha’s eyes disappeared. Even so, he was trying to smile somehow, but it seemed difficult to hide the corners of his lips that were starting to tremble.
“… … why.”
Instead of answering, I told the story by looking straight into Chae Seol-ha’s eyes. Her eyes were still trying to blink as innocent as possible, as if they didn’t know anything, but then they trembled like the corners of her lips, and then they closed tightly.
“Yeah, I know… … . I know, why are you doing this?”
Chae Seol-ha, who lowered her head, murmured.
“But there’s something I don’t want to lose either!”
She bit her lip tightly as she screamed so much. It was an attitude as if uttering those words was very humiliating.
“So I tried. In order not to make you feel awkward, as much as possible in your position—”
“It’s just your greed.”
Hearing my words, Chae Seol-ha’s shoulders shudder and shake. However, it was only for a moment, and as soon as he was poking, he raised his eyes filled with anger and looked at me and said,
“… … therefore?”
“What?”
“So what. How many things have I done for you so far? Can’t you even hear a breeze?”
Chae Seol-ha’s face contorted with anger.
“By the way… … . Why are you trying to decide everything your way? Why are you only thinking of you and not trying to think about how I feel?”
Surely my confession may have been a great betrayal for Chae Seol-ha. Maintaining an appropriate distance and continuing the daily life of the club room without anyone changing. Because that’s what she wanted.
“Is that so?”
But it was a different matter to treat it like a bomb that I shouldn’t hold my heart for.
Because that wasn’t the wind, it was just a hypocritical and cruel puppet play that insults people’s hearts. Even if I said that I received countless favors from Chae Seol-ha, that alone would be unacceptable.
… … I never dreamed that I would be subjected to such pressure from you and no one else.
“I can’t say that it doesn’t exist.”
Now I felt a great hatred for the woman in front of me.
“Yeah, I can say it over and over again. I mean, to you in front of the clock tower that day—”
“Ahhh-!”
A shattering scream struck the eardrums. He covered his ears with both hands as if he didn’t want to hear what I was mowing, closed his eyes, and kept screaming.
“… … I’ve been waiting for you I want to tell you that I like you.”
“Ahhh-! aah-! aah—!”
That one word that I couldn’t say that day, that I had been holding in my heart, was buried in Chae Seol-ha’s scream and flowed down somewhere.
My heart was also torn to shreds and was lying on the sidewalk.
I decided to take a step forward.
“Where are you going, it’s not over yet.”
Chae Seol-ha grabs my forearm.
“I told you not to go.”
Even if I shake it off, that hand continues to hold onto me over and over again.
“… … Yu Yu-jin, I’m telling you because I think you’re misunderstanding something.”
Sharply forged fingernails dig into the flesh with a popping sound.
“You mean, you’re so gloomy that you’ll vomit when you talk with them. I feel so bad that I can’t even say anything about my thoughts or values. Doesn’t look great either though. Being timid about men is annoying too. The only hobby I have is watching a movie by myself and squeezing it out. It’s not so much fun when we’re together. I know how to receive it, but I don’t know how to give it back.”
Chae Seol-ha’s ice-pick-like voice pierces the middle of her chest.
“Yeah… … . Where do you think you can find such a strange person? You said you’ve been bullied before. No, even your parents say they hate you. Even if I go to the military, I am sure that I will come out after being bullied.”
I couldn’t say anything. As if I was pitiful, I continued to talk while gently stroking my blood-stained forearm.
“you hate me? Yeah, I can’t help it if I don’t like it. But, I’m the only one who can accept something like you. There is no place for you to be except by my side. So don’t be stubborn and regret later, apologize now. you thought wrong I’m sorry. to come back.”
A single word that is sweet as if swearing at an angry child, yet with thorns everywhere, whispers in his ear.
“If you don’t, you will be really alone.”
I waved the hand of the woman in front of me more vigorously than ever. The woman staggered for a moment, then smiled at me and opened her mouth.
“Call me, I’ll be waiting for you.”
* * *
did my best. In order to prove Chae Seol-ha wrong, at the same time, he was afraid that the cursed words would come true.
Fortunately, I was able to adapt well to the organization of the military. Rather, thanks to the unique regularity and systemicity of the military, it was able to dissolve more easily than any other organization it had ever experienced. The crew members were all good people.
No worries, no wanderings, no need to spend day and night to interpret the truth behind it.
Get up at a set time, finish your assigned tasks and training, and go to bed at a set time. just that As long as I do not break the set rules, my position will be preserved.
I liked it very much.
However, as several months passed, I began to suffer from unidentified chest pain. It was an intense pain as if he was crushing the center of his chest with a press machine.
At first I didn’t think of this as a loggerhead. The brief fatigue that came from hard training, I thought. However, the pain increased in frequency and intensity with each passing day.
I tried to visit the capital hospital just in case, but the only thing that came back was that there was no problem with my body.
The cause of the chest pain that had plagued me for months like that was revealed through a very trivial event.
One evening, when I returned from smoking with some of the troops, the dormitory was filled with laughter. When I heard the story, it seemed that the variety shows on TV were very interesting.
As soon as the senior’s explanation was finished, a wave of laughter engulfed the dormitory. I also remember laughing out loud and joking around a lot.
That night, I was suffering from pain that seemed to crush my chest, and I tried to use the memories of that moment. It was the intention of reminiscing that ridiculous scene again, and trying to relieve the pain by laughing out loud.
but it doesn’t come to mind He must have clearly seen it with these two eyes a few hours ago, but he can’t remember.
Only then did I realize that I wasn’t watching TV.
So, what am I laughing at? What the hell did you do to be able to make such a big joke? I just had to laugh like that back then. I thought so.
No, it’s not just laughter.
It was like participating in a soccer game that I didn’t enjoy very much, pretending to be a little moved by watching a special holiday movie with poor quality, pretending to be passionate about a girl group I didn’t know, and talking like it was a lot of fun with people I didn’t like. The fact that he did something wrong and that he pretended not to see a bad practice that felt unreasonable was because he thought it had to be so, so he put it into practice.
Because I wanted to mix with them, because I wanted to share a single value, because I wanted to feel safe by sharing.
I was heavily armed. A bulletproof hat that covers the head, a thickly stacked combat backpack, and tight-fitting boots.
What was pressing on his chest was the body armor he wore to prepare for an unexpected attack. Even in this place, where everyone is resting comfortably in their daily clothes, I was still on guard in a state of full armor.
If I put down this military uniform, if I throw away everything that was covering my face, will my comrades recognize me?
I can not know. What is certain is that just as soldiers who refused to arm themselves in wartime were punished, I too will not be able to avoid punishment.
I spent time in the club and thought I was acting as an ordinary person.
But it was a very arrogant delusion. They were just pretending to change, pretending to make an effort. He was masturbating while trying only the smallest changes he could handle.
Ultimately, making friends and realizing the joy of human relationships were all impossible without Chae Seol-ha. It wouldn’t have happened if she hadn’t pretended to be ignorant of my negligence. She was showing some kind of mercy to me.
Of course, even if it’s not Chae Seol-ha, somewhere in the world, there are people who fit me. But I don’t know where they are.
Will there be time or opportunity to find such people even after graduating from university, which is the best way to build a pure human-to-human relationship?
How long do I have to wander in the fog wearing this unbearably oversized military uniform?
I suddenly became afraid. I was unbearably afraid.
-If you don’t, you’ll be really alone.
As if to deny the emotions that shook my heart, I struggled harder than ever before, but the words Chae Seol-ha left behind were like a curse and choking me.
It was the moment when the shabby struggle came to an end. No, it wasn’t a fight that could be won from the beginning.
A few more weeks passed, and I called Seol-Ha Chae, unable to withstand the pain that had grown so severe that it felt like my heart would burst over my chest. It was time to swear obedience.
“So I told you not to do anything you will regret.”
A strange smile appeared on her face as she looked at me with her head bowed like a scumbag.
* * *
Familiar places, familiar people, established relationships, relationships that flow without effort. Such a peaceful daily life continues. try to keep up
However, even if you pick up a broken glass and stick it with glue, you will eventually realize that the gold does not disappear. Just as my relationship with Chae Seol-ha has changed since that day, everyone’s relationship has changed since I left the club.
The possibility that it could be broken, just given it, has become something completely different from the previous clubs I knew.
If I think about it now, obviously, other people in the club must have felt that fact as well.
But no one can speak properly. Because I was afraid that words would change something, and that that small change would lead to a rift in the end.
So, he continues his false daily life. In their own way, they rule out anything that can cause cracks.
We started obsessively obsessed with maintaining the relationship, forgetting even the reason why we liked the relationship. Knowing that the cracks are deepening, rather than finding a fundamental solution, we had a shallow conversation, pretended to understand, and rushed to wrap up the exterior.
This is wrong. Even though I thought so, I was afraid that I would be alone, so I did not actively try to solve it. Even when I left the company with vague and impulsive emotions, I was just expecting others to understand me.
But that didn’t happen. If you really value something, you have to bear the pain of stepping on a piece of glass for it.
That simple fact, I have only come to know now.
“… … Whoa, what are you talking about, you?”
“I said I liked you, Chae Seol-ha.”
So don’t hesitate any longer.
