A long time ago, everything was messed up with my confession. The relationship they had built up was ruined, and the innocent girl’s life was turned upside down.
I had been obsessed with it for so long, struggling with a never-ending stream of guilt. The act of liking someone felt very sinful. I couldn’t imagine a future where someone would like me.
But at some point, when I noticed it, I thought of Seolha’s appearance, and whenever I had a chance, I was just looking at Seolha’s face.
Even when I was sleeping, there was me, waiting for sunrise, pondering the things I had talked about with her.
My world, which had been filled with stillness and guilt, had already been dyed with the woman who told me to dig.
“It will be fine.”
Before going out, stand in front of a mirror and check the condition of your clothes and hairstyle once more.
A black robe coat draped over a khaki knit and cream jeans. It is a coordinated coordination that is carefully matched to match the calm atmosphere of winter while being casual. I also went to the hairdresser and got my hair trimmed again.
“It will be fine.”
Meeting Seol-ha alone was something I had done many times until now, but meeting on Christmas Eve like today is a completely different story, and the pressure feels different from usual.
Maybe there was dust on his clothes, or his hairstyle would look weird.
With such anxiety, I was standing in front of the mirror and checking the condition over and over again, even though the preparations for going out had already been completed.
The appointment time is 7:30, and the place is in front of the clock tower in the park behind the sublingual room.
The simple plan is to take a leisurely walk around the neighborhood as usual, watch a movie at the theater, go to a new cafe nearby, chat and break up.
You only need to add the word that I like you to that simple plan.
Yes, that one word is enough… … .
scary.
It’s scary, it’s scary, and the inside of my heart is trembling.
But I couldn’t tremble forever. Because the desire to monopolize the sublingual as a unique person was greater than that fear.
Anyway, today I am going to convey my heart to Seol-ha.
So let’s go
Open the door and step in.
I get on the rattling subway and head to the meeting point. Thousands of people were holding hands, talking and laughing.
＜… Station. The doors to get off are on the left and on the left.>
After getting off the subway, I bought an umbrella at a convenience store because of the heavy snow.
After walking for a few minutes, I saw a wooden sign with the name of the park written on it. There were several cars and a police car that appeared to be on patrol in the parking lot.
Leaving behind him, he carefully climbed the wooden stairs one step at a time. Stairs with a slightly steep incline, making it difficult to see what’s above.
It’s probably not because of the cold that you’re shaking even when you’re wearing a coat. I wanted to quickly get out of this blind staircase and see the appearance of the clock tower and under the snow.
In front of the clock tower, the time displayed on the smartphone was pointing to 7:20. A few people were chatting in front of him, but there was no one I was waiting for.
My heart, which had been pounding, felt a little calm.
rather good As soon as you arrive, you just need to prepare your mind and wait for the New Year’s Eve. As usual, I have to talk to her without being awkward.
“… … .”
After a while, a buzzing vibration echoed from the pocket. It was an alarm set for 30 minutes.
Is the subway blocked?
Or, it looks like he’s having a hard time climbing the stairs because of the snow. I’m probably holding the handle and climbing up slowly.
It’s okay to be a little late. Movie reservations were also made during the free time. So you just have to come. Even if it was late, he was the one who came after all.
“… … .”
I couldn’t even take out my smartphone in the pouring cold, and I kept looking at the time displayed on the clock tower.
10 minutes.
The snow was getting stronger.
20 minutes.
Maybe it’s because of these beggar eyes.
I tried to go down the wooden stairs again just in case, but no one was there.
At 30 minutes, I thought.
It was clear that something had happened to Seol-ha.
It could be that the subway was stopped because of the snow, or it could be that he slipped on the side of the road somewhere and was crying. Or maybe I overslept, maybe I misunderstood the appointment time, or maybe I didn’t know the meeting place.
Anyway, something must have happened.
Thankfully, in the 21st century, there is an invention called the smartphone. A magical machine that connects people no matter how far away with the push of a button, and can hear their voices as if they were right next to you.
Fortunately, Seolha bought a smartphone a few months ago.
Time goes on and on with a beep.
Torr, torr.
Like a cricket, it does not stop the sound that emits signals at regular intervals.
＜Currently, the customer is not answering the phone… … .>
I try to press the call button over and over again. But all that came from over the handset was a beep.
That inorganic beep was trying to bring out the dark memories that had been pushed into the corner of his mind.
No, the speech is different. Most of all, the time we spent together is different.
Besides, he embraced my ideals and my abnormalities, and told me it was okay. He said he understood.
… … But the more you do it, the more you feel the fear. Because I knew people couldn’t do that. even myself.
The moment I launched the messenger app to send a chat while erasing those thoughts, Seolha’s profile picture, which she had registered as a favorite at the top of the friends list, caught my eye.
A group photo taken with other classmates at the closing party a few weeks ago. Next to Seol-ha, the man who had exchanged phone numbers with her was making a V and matching them together.
Unlike me, who had rotten eyes and a forced smile, the man’s face looked as if it had jumped out of a drama even though I was a man.
—Hey, if you mess around, you lose it to someone else.
A man’s voice is reproduced in the brain.
— How long has it been since you broke up with that girlfriend and are you already working on it? If you leave it that way… … .
Shut up.
Don’t say things like that without knowing anything.
But I have realized.
—Whoever hits the job is up to Seolha to decide, and it doesn’t matter if I don’t like it.
what i answered him.
“no.”
Let’s wait, I said wait. tens of minutes or hours.
If you wait like that, the Lunar New Year will come.
He will smile softly and apologize, seemingly embarrassed, with tears in his eyes at the same time. A date plan can be reworked from then on.
… … What am I so sure of?
Just as Seolha doesn’t really know me, I don’t really know Seolha. Knowing is only part of it. In fact, if you hated me, if you felt burdened.
The grim expression of Seolha that I saw at the ticket gate yesterday flashes through my mind.
What if I sent a text message and said I’m sorry because I’m with another guy or that I can’t go? Or what if she planned revenge to get rid of me?
like it did in the past.
It’s scary to be in a relationship. I am afraid to face a confirmed relationship as a notification.
Time passes while you are thinking like that.
In the messenger chat room, nothing was written and only the cursor was blinking.
“… … .”
11:30 a.m.
I went to the convenience store to melt my hands, and I hurriedly returned to the front of the clock tower and stayed there for a while, thinking that she might have been there even when I was away for a while due to an accident.
But the Lunar New Year did not come.
I do not know.
I don’t know why Seolha doesn’t come out in front of me.
But what is certain is that now there is no woman who wants to mine by my side.
These were words that she rationalized by inflating her expectations alone on a subject that she had no idea of what she thought of me or how she felt toward me, arguing that everything would work out according to her own convenience.
I’ve always been like that.
this is a bee
It was given to me who wanted to be happy on my own terms even though I knew my karma.
cold.
The snow continues to fall without any sign of stopping. The coat I was wearing and the hair I had set at the hairdresser was covered with pure white snow.
But the cold was not the part covered with snow. The inner part of my heart was cold. It was as if a cold icicle had pierced one part of her chest.
No one was left in the park now. So I decided to leave there too. The snow still hadn’t stopped, and it was cold.
* * *
―Burrrr… … .
I was lying on the floor trying to sleep, and the vibration of my smartphone woke me up. Dasom was the older sister.
“… … hello.”
“Oh, Dojin-ah. Did you see me sleeping? I’m sorry, I guess I just woke up. You can sleep more.”
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“No, sister. I was just about to get up. What’s going on?”
“I see. It’s not a big deal, but we decided to have a party at Minseo’s house today, so I thought it would be good to meet in the middle.”
it’s a party
Then I saw that it was today.
“I called Seol-ha and Ga-ryun, and they said it was okay. How about we meet in front of the station and go together?”
I hear the name of someone I didn’t want to hear.
body is fine
It seems that there was no accident.
phone too.
“I… … .”
I didn’t know what to look at her face. I had no idea what he was thinking more than that.
but.
“yes? what’s the matter. Do Jin-ah. Is there anything you want to say?”
It was decided to take one step at a time.
“it’s okay. What time can I go out?”
“Ah, in front of the convenience store I always met when I went to Minseo’s house at 5 o’clock… .”
All you have to do is face Seolha and ask about what happened yesterday. Whatever choice she made, talk about it and end it properly.
I opened the door to my bedroom and took another step.
“Dojin-ah, here it is!”
As soon as you arrive at the convenience store, the meeting place, you hear a familiar voice. When I looked up, there was the woman I had missed so much yesterday, smiling like the sun and beckoning to me.
Did I even dream?
How can you see my face with such a bright face Or was it Christmas Eve today?
No, let’s talk about yesterday. There must have been some misunderstanding or unavoidable circumstances.
Maybe it was when I was away for work. That would be the most likely story.
Anyway, we can talk about it now and solve everything. It’s not that difficult between her and me.
“Hey, why don’t you look at the tok? I thought you weren’t coming.”
When I checked the messenger app on my smartphone, there were several chat messages from Chae Seol-ha. I’m waiting for you to come quickly.
“… … Did you change your phone?”
“Yeah, a little. Are you pretty?”
A smartphone from a famous brand that is about two generations old, not the latest model. It must be a coincidence that the man next to Seolha at the bar that day looked identical to the one he was holding.
maybe.
“Garyun is a little late. The cake was finished later than expected or something. Dasomi’s older sister is—”
“there.”
She cuts off Seolha’s words, which seem to be several times brighter than usual.
“why?”
“It was yesterday.”
“What was yesterday?”
A very casual expression, a tone that really doesn’t know anything. I was a bit perplexed when I saw that.
“No, we were supposed to meet in front of the clock tower yesterday.”
“What? Is this a little awake, I’m talking nonsense as soon as I meet you. Okay, so take a look at this. It was posted on me tube this morning and I thought it would taste better if cooked like this. So later—”
I didn’t understand. We decided to meet in front of the clock tower yesterday.
You will know.
That feeling, the cold, the pain was not a dream.
But what?
That expression, that voice.
Today I came to prepare before meeting Seolha. So that Seol-ha can calmly accept whatever choice she makes, and above all, prepare to leave her side.
However, this reaction was completely unexpected.
“Hey really, why is he like this today?”
He took a shoulder-to-shoulder posture as if he was playing a prank on me, who was standing blankly.
As usual. as if nothing happened.
“It’s a party with a lot of effort, but if I had that kind of expression, I would lose all my energy. Now, my sister will buy you a drink, so choose one. here… … .”
“No, wait.”
I snapped off Chae Seol-ha’s arm and opened my mouth again.
“You were supposed to meet at the clock tower yesterday—.”
“What?”
“No, so… … !”
“I can’t hear you, what are you saying? really… I mumble and mumble. Let’s quickly grab a drink or something.”
I was speaking very clearly in front of Chae Seol-ha’s nose right now.
“Chae Seol-ha, don’t play around and answer me properly, yesterday’s clock tower—”
“I can’t hear you!”
A single word close to a scream resounds slowly and takes over the space.
“I can’t hear, I can’t hear, I can’t hear, I can’t hear… … ! What the hell are you talking about, since morning! Don’t say anything strange and let’s go to a convenience store… huh? Please, I’m thirsty… … !”
I noticed then.
She was rejecting my heart.
But at the same time, he was sending out a message asking them to be good friends as usual.
So as if nothing happened yesterday.
as if nothing had happened.
why? I’m afraid I’ll get hurt Or is it unreasonable for a romantic relationship, but because you don’t want to lose your good friend? I wasn’t expecting this ending at all. How am I supposed to act?
Should I be content with not having to leave her side?
Is the mere fact that I wasn’t forsaken enough?
“sister! I’m here Oh, my brother… … . You came first with your sister. ahaha… … .”
“They both came quickly. We still have a long way to go until our appointment time.”
“It’s a bit like staying still at home.”
To Dasomi’s sister’s question, Chae Seol-ha shrugged her shoulders and answered.
“Yeah, let’s go first. Because I’m going to put it in Minseo. Dojin-ah, isn’t it heavy?”
“Ah, yes.”
“Come on, let’s go.”
I started walking along the alleyway where the evening lights were setting with a bashful smile, leading my hand.
