25 – The meaning of Suho (3)
Winter contains an interesting sentiment.
It is a time that is often expressed as hardship, but there is a brighter hope in that hardship.
The season when the stars are most visible. Unlike the barren land, the sky at that time was full of abundant fruits.
There is something that can be felt because it is cold.
So did she.
I saw the cool body temperature that I hadn’t felt in a long time, gradually warming up as it touched myself. Rather than not wanting to touch cold hands and feet, the desire to embrace them took precedence.
Han Jaejoong felt the touch and thought quietly.
Memories are lacking, but emotions are connected.
That discrepancy leads to a sense of incongruity, self-torment, and guilt.
As if the eyes melted as soon as they touched, the affectionate feelings were endlessly converted into guilt.
“Jaejoong-ah… Jaejoong-ah… you’re alive… I’m so glad…”
Blue Sirius showed relief by putting strength on the arm wrapped around Han Jaejoong’s neck. Since it was transformed, there must have been a significant difference in strength from normal people. Even so, Blue Sirius skillfully controlled his strength so that it would not be a burden to the person he held.
“…Blue… Sirius…”
It is an unfamiliar name. The name ‘Seolhwa’ was much more comfortable than this. Wasn’t it a target for virtue? Why do you feel so close? Have you gone crazy over pseudo-love? Even though he brushed himself off like that, he couldn’t throw away the hypothesis that he was Han Jaejoong.
The memories of the days when he enjoyed this world as a media medium are faint and worn out, but Han Jaejoong’s memories and emotions gradually become clearer. what is true and what is false
A dilemma that I checked many times after coming to this world. There was only one answer to this question.
“I’m sorry. I should have pretended not to know, but I know. I’m sorry.
You have to find your memory.
Looking at Yoon Seol-hwa, who was clinging to herself and crying, she made a strong determination. I had to find it not just for myself, but also for those clinging to the past of this body.
In order to do that, as Belt said, there would be no choice but to collect stars by defeating monsters.
‘Origin…’
I’ll have to find the answer to that form as well. With my current power, I’m in a hurry to run away when I meet a bigger enemy.
“Senior, then I’m going to strangle myself to death.”
“Huh? Ah. Ah! I’m sorry, Jaejoong. It hurts a lot, right?”
“No… not really…”
“…Polite word.”
When I said honorifics, Blue Sirius’s tears became even worse.
“It doesn’t hurt.”
A bright smile returned as he finished the end with half a word. With just a glance out of the corner of her eye, the beauty was easily seen.
‘I’ll turn.’
Her appearance before transformation was also quite good, but looking at her appearance after transformation up close, I felt like I was receiving a goddess rather than a human.
Even in the midst of this, I felt a sense of shame when I saw his face. I vowed not to be involved at all, but it was shaken in one face. Jaejoong Han closed his eyes tightly.
“I can’t keep the concept until the end…”
A grunting, clicking sound came from behind. It’s a concept, seriously. He wanted to refute right away, but Han Jaejoong held back. It might rekindle the doubts that you had just gotten rid of by saying something strange.
“I’m off to detect again now. Have a good time both of you.”
Pink Deneb smiled happily and rose from her seat. It seemed that he would resume his role in detecting the monster. Pink Deneb, waving with a smirk, left the room, taking care to have time alone for the two of them.
There were only two people left in the room. Those who suffer from not being able to remember and those who suffer from not being able to forget. Both were not normal.
“…long time no see.”
“It hasn’t been that long since I haven’t seen him since the hospital.”
“Polite word….”
“Not for long.”
Blue Sirius released his arm. The two could see each other closely. There were tear marks around her eyes. I could easily guess that I cried a lot and suffered a lot.
On the other hand, Han Jaejoong’s impression was one of pathetic pity. He was haggard and bony. It is a face that shows the suffering so clearly.
“…”
“…”
As with the atmosphere of ex-lovers, the awkwardness in the room increased as time passed. It was to the point where I wanted to call back Pink Deneb, who had left. The two knew each other’s pain just by looking at each other’s faces.
“That… how are you today?”
It was a topic like talking to an awkward adolescent son.
“You can tell by looking at the face.”
“That’s why…”
I’m sure money is being deposited into my dating bank account every month.
‘…I didn’t write it.’
Blue Sirius was able to draw that conclusion right away. Because the moment you receive that money, you have a debt. Because the kite leads materially. It’s a past that I don’t even want to look back on in order to cut it off.
So, you didn’t write it.
The sadness intensified.
“I just have a lot of things to do.”
Literally several things happened. Han Jaejoong sighed at the memory of a week that made his head hurt just thinking about it.
Blue Sirius, who thought it was exhaling to hear it, flinched.
“Mi-Sorry! Wasn’t it a nuisance? I’ll leave soon. Sorry…”
“No, not that.”
“No!”
It wasn’t a congratulatory order. Blue Sirius’ expression brightened. Jaejoong Han regretted it. just tell me to get out
“…Jaejoong.”
Blue Sirius grabbed Han Jaejoong’s sleeve. Originally, I wanted to hold hands, but I thought that was going too far, so I stopped with my sleeves. She praised her patience.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you then…”
I wondered what Han Jaejoong was talking about. Do you mean when?
“That, when did I not keep it…”
I didn’t want to break this serious atmosphere, but it was a bit like not being able to follow the flow.
Is it when you get slapped by the media right before you break up, or is it an accident you experienced this time? There was a lot more to work on than I thought. There could have been more if I added the parts I didn’t remember.
“Ah, ah… that’s right. A lot. There are a lot of things I couldn’t keep. That’s right… That’s right…”
Blue Sirius lowered his head grimly.
“I’m not being sarcastic, I’m just saying this because I really don’t know…”
I really didn’t know
“No… I know… I deserve the evaluation I deserve… I… black…”
“No, it’s not really.”
Abundant in sensitivity Jaejoong Han was taken aback.
“This time… I should have protected you better… I should have put your safety first in front of the monster…”
Blue Sirius resented himself at the time and regretted what he had done.
I was complacent. Drunk with anger, he thought only of killing the enemy in front of his eyes. A magical girl’s job is to repel, but rescue has to be prioritized above all else. Blue Sirius gnashed his teeth.
How dare you try to kill a person in front of yourself, especially Han Jaejoong. It was an act that could never be forgiven. It wasn’t enough even if I tore the shield or Libra to death.
Blue Sirius smiled kindly, never revealing such a person in front of him.
“…were you scared?”
It was scary. I’m afraid I’ll find out your identity. And I’m afraid I’ll die in front of you.
Han Jaejoong held back what he wanted to say and listened to Blue Sirius.
“But I’ll make sure that never happens again.”
Blue Sirius subtly moved the hand that was holding the sleeve to his. Holding on to it, Blue Sirius recited words of relief.
“Jaejoong-ah, I am stronger than I thought. Now I don’t know if I can fight S-rank monsters on an equal footing. . I’m going to kill them all.”
“Uh… uh, that’s right.”
Is it a premonition of murder? Han Jaejoong swallowed dry saliva.
‘Actually, you don’t know everything, do you?’
Thinking so sent chills down my spine.
Blue Sirius, who had no way of knowing his thoughts, held his hand tight and recited his promise.
“I’ll get rid of the monster so you can live in peace.”
Its appearance was like a prayer to the object of its worship.
“No matter what happens, even if I lose my life, I will protect you.”
It was a heavy commitment. There was no swelling. It was not an exaggeration. Seriously, she was so determined. Even if I gave up this life, if I could protect his life, that was enough.
“As much as you…”
A sin once committed does not disappear. Even if the wound heals, the scar remains. He is a pitiful man who has been bitten countless times just for the fact that he dated him. It was the original sin he had to bear.
That’s why, no matter what happened, I had to take responsibility and atone for it.
It may be impossible even if it takes a lifetime. But I had to. That was the only blue Sirius breath. She wished for this pain herself.
“It’s worth your life…”
“Jaejoong.”
Han Jaejoong could not understand that guilt. Anyone who saw it would know that she was trying to torture and kill him. where is her fault Sin belongs to those who pour out violence. It is not for those who are determined to stop the violence.
Why should she feel guilty. I don’t have much feelings for monsters who casually kill people for their own purposes, people who follow gossip to relieve their sorrowful feelings of inferiority, or people who try to satisfy their trivial sense of moral superiority. Why do those who tried and sacrificed feel guilty?
Is life worth taking so easily? If you are a living thing, shouldn’t you try as much as possible to preserve life?
“I know that you have no choice but to be uncomfortable with me. No, I know that talking to you like this is a nuisance to you. But at least this… Please know this one thing.”
After all, all magical girls are mentally ill. Han Jaejoong realized it once again.
“I will remain your ally no matter what. No matter who you become, I will always protect you.”
What I felt in the tightly gripped hands was no longer cold, but heat.
The more he heard that resolution, the more responsibility Han Jaejoong felt. As much as she has affection for him, his pain will soon be replaced by hers. He would be sad and cut himself off for the sake of someone who had no memory.
If he was killed by a monster, only Blue Sirius would fully feel that guilt. Heroes are not gods. It is not possible to protect everyone. But why do you take on the deaths of others as your own sins and fly to the sky to protect someone else? Are you running around today, carrying guilt that you don’t even need to feel?
Only then did Han Jaejoong know what he was thinking right before he was killed by the monsters.
It wasn’t the comfort of his parents or himself.
It was her.
Yoon Seol-hwa, I only thought of her.
She was the reason I couldn’t die.
“I’m sorry… I know it’s burdensome, but just know this.”
“Yes, I understand.”
“…really?”
The corners of Blue Sirius’ lips went up. It contained expectations.
“You’re still out of your mind.”
Jaejoong Han let out a sigh.
“Why, why do you say that! Honestly, wasn’t that a bit cool? Be moved!”
“Don’t force your feelings.”
“Can I force love?! My, can I really start forcing my feelings? I might not even move a single step until I hear the words ‘I love you’ here and now!”
“No crazy.”
now slowly go away Han Jaejoong frowned as he passed over words that he did not know whether it was threats, complaints, or aegyo. Looking at that expression, Blue Sirius lowered his head.
“Uh, do you hate me that much…?”
“That’s not what it sounds like. All I want to say is…”
At that moment, a light rang from the jewel of Blue Sirius. dispatch signal. It meant that a monster had appeared.
“I’ll tell you later. You have to stay still here! Okay? It hurts if you move now.”
Blue Sirius hurriedly rose from his seat, opened the window instead of the door, and flung himself. That dizzying act that reminds me of suicide by jumping in at first glance. But once she flew, that risky act was transformed into heroic courage and extraordinaryness.
Staring at the empty seat, Han Jaejoong sighed.
Even though the dispatch report came up, the belt was still. It means that this body is so weak that it cannot handle even one quest.
Maybe it’s because I wasn’t in the mood before? I felt a bit lonely in the quiet hospital room. There was a large TV on the wall right in front of it, and a remote control within easy reach.
The temptation has begun. It was a tempting challenge.
Every trauma that needs to be resolved anyway. It’s not directly exposed to people’s gaze, but it’s only borrowing someone else’s gaze to see the world. It was clear that the topic in it was not himself.
I caught my breath and picked up the remote control.
chuck. Then he lifted it up and aimed it as if he were shooting a gun.
“…”
Trouble started again. My hands were shaking. I felt like I was breaking out in a cold sweat.
[What are you doing? If you are worried, we recommend that you do not watch it.]
“Shut up.”
After a few minutes of wrestling with the TV, I managed to get my finger on the power button.
The buttons that went in without any other sense of impact brightened the pitch-black screen.
And what you see is the live broadcast screen. I wonder where the big bomb exploded, the ruins in the middle of the city were now projected on the screen.
The elderly, children, and sometimes adults were tied up and gathered in a corner, and a semi-transparent membrane was covering the ruins, as if blocking anyone from entering.
In the center of the ruins is Libra and a magical girl.
“…Red Vega?”
She was the one who counseled her about suicide.
