168 – 51. Let’s go back (2)
I didn’t want to accompany Balak, who was naked.
I looked around to find something to cover his body with.
We found a man struggling on the floor.
He wore tattered clothes.
I don’t know who it is.
However, unlike Balak, there is no reason left.
It crawls on the floor, staring blankly into space with its mouth open.
They don’t see me in front of me, and they don’t respond when I call them.
It just makes a strange moan like ah, ah.
“Why is this person like this?”
Balak sighed as if he was confused and then explained.
“It is a broken soul. The longer you stay here or the more obsessed you are with a specific memory or wish, the more your soul loses its sense of self. Just like I did. “Unlike me, who had a little bit of ego, this person seems to have completely lost it.”
“Is it possible for a young lady to become like this?”
“… “It’s a difficult issue to predict.”
It hasn’t been long since Elijah came here.
However, there is a high probability of becoming buried in a specific emotion or memory.
Just like Balak put his ego in bondage because of his regret and guilt.
Elijah may also go through a similar process.
The breakdown of the soul is not simply limited by time.
It is also possible to collapse within a short period of time.
‘We have to find it quickly…. Where should I go….’
Balak took off the man’s clothes.
The man did not resist even when they touched him, turned him over, and took his clothes.
He just lay helplessly and looked up at the sky.
Balak put on the man’s clothes.
It was shabby and unsightly, but it was better than being naked.
Balak offered a short prayer to the man.
He felt strange looking at that.
It is inconvenient.
Every time I see that there is some humanity left in the heart of the person who left Elijah like that.
A feeling of discomfort is growing that is difficult to express in words.
So I was just looking at the sky.
“Enough.”
“That’s right. But where should I go from now….”
You need at least a clue to use as a reference for movement.
I asked Balak.
“How did your children discover it?”
“I came here and wandered around aimlessly, and found it by chance. It might have been a bee who saw it in this wide area. After that, I wandered around in a daze and ended up tied to that rocky mountain. “Before you came, I was beside myself.”
In the end, even Balak does not know the geography or roads of this place.
We had no choice but to choose one direction and go straight.
“First, this way…” . Uh?”
I was pointing in the direction and then my eyes widened.
A woman with black hair.
She was standing there, very far away.
It is far enough to be seen as a dot.
It looks like a mirage seen in the desert.
“Hey, do you see that?”
“Where…” . “What are you talking about?”
Balak looked at the same place as me.
Her eyes squinted as if she was trying to take a closer look.
“I can’t see anything….”
“Can’t you see that woman over there?”
“No matter how I look, there’s no one there…. “Are you okay?”
I suddenly felt worried.
Coming here as a living person, my soul may already be affected.
‘So you’re seeing something in vain?’
The woman was standing in place and looking this way.
The sight of him waiting quietly seemed as if he was asking me to follow him.
It was like that when I first arrived here.
And as he followed her, he met her son, Balak.
This time will be no different.
‘Honestly, whether I follow you or not, I have nowhere to go anyway.’
It would be better to have something similar to the only clue.
Even if it is in vain.
Even though my spirit is already falling apart, I can’t go back.
I will definitely remain here until I find Elijah.
“Let’s just follow along. “I was able to find you Balak because I followed that person.”
“Okay, I understand. “Follow your wishes.”
He also agreed that there was no suitable solution.
Balak and I followed the woman.
She kept a close distance.
A street that is recognizable, but difficult to identify.
Balak and I walked steadily.
As I walked diligently, I asked him something I was curious about.
“Referring to what you said earlier, what exactly does it mean to lose one’s sense of self when one clings to a particular memory or wish?”
I am not a dead person, and I do not know much about this world.
On the other hand, Ballack seems to know quite a bit.
I didn’t really want to talk to him.
In order to save Elijah, we just need to know as much information as possible.
Balak was silent for a moment as if he was organizing her thoughts, and then he removed his mouth from her.
“I came here after dying. But now I don’t feel like I’m ‘dead.’ I see, listen, and talk normally. So what constitutes this ‘I’?”
“I don’t know.”
“It’s a memory. Memories of my time as a human being. Information that helps me understand why I am who I am.”
Balak glanced into the distance.
“I must have that memory and recognize that memory in order for me to be myself. But too much time blurs the memory. Then, you will become like the man who owns these clothes.”
“… ….”
“To be buried in a memory or wish is to cut off that ‘memory.’ For example, let’s say you take your life and return to the present, leaving only the memories of before you met Elijah. “So, are you still you?”
I was silent.
‘I just asked a light question because I needed information, but the answer is too heavy…’ .’
But the atmosphere was very serious, and I found myself thinking deeply.
Who am I?
What constitutes me?
In a childish way, I thought it was Elijah.
What Elijah asked me.
Is she real or fake?
I thought, considered, and answered that it was definitely real.
And Elijah, she depended on my answer and hugged her, saying she was real.
At that moment, I was truly just myself.
‘But that alone cannot make up the person I am.’
What happened with Elijah.
Other things I experienced as an escort driver and as a candidate.
I become myself only when I include all my previous life.
I remember what the god who sent me here said as if he was passing by.
Continuity of existence.
Is this what it meant?
‘If you get caught up in one thing, you lose everything else.’
Balak was quiet for a while, probably because he knew I was silent because I was thinking.
At about the right time, he spoke again.
“If you become obsessed with just one thing and are swayed by it, the rest of your memories become blurred and you lose your sense of self.”
“If you lose all ego… What happens?”
“… That.”
Balak glanced up at the sky.
Pitch-black night sky.
The darkness is much thicker and the starlight is brighter than the night seen from the ground.
“I don’t know about that.”
“You didn’t know everything.”
“What I just told you is not something I originally knew. Just… When I came here, I found out naturally. But strangely enough, I don’t know what happens after that.”
Just as a living person does not know what happens after death.
After adding that, Balak remained silent.
I got roughly the information I needed.
‘What is Elijah like now?’
Are you buried and obsessed with one thing?
Or is she walking around fine?
If possible, it would be better to do the latter.
Because it would be difficult if I lost my sense of self before I found it.
We haven’t had any conversation since.
I just silently walked along with the woman.
A woman who at first thought she was Elijah. She
She follows along and it seems not to be the case.
Then who is it?
‘No way…. Is she that person?’
The moment she was about to remember, the woman disappeared.
She was not embarrassed.
At the point when she disappeared, we arrived at a certain place.
Elijah is not visible.
Nevertheless, I was convinced that Elijah was here.
***
Endless and wide fields.
Green sea.
The scenery resembles the grassland that Judah once saw with Elijah while riding Yuel.
In the center, red flowers were in full bloom in a round cluster.
A flower in full bloom.
Anemone.
It is the same as the flowers that bloomed in Elijah’s garden.
The anemones that bloomed only in the middle of the endless field were not that large.
And there.
There were a few people I never expected or tried to find.
“The head of the household is my place…. I must follow in my father’s footsteps and take responsibility for the Bevel family…. I can’t hand it over to someone like you who was lucky enough to inherit the magician’s power….”
Cain.
“Why on earth should we give in? I already have a lot of brothers, and I’m not good at being the head of the family, but somehow something like that was born….”
Levi.
“I don’t have enough, but you’re an illegitimate child born with the power of fire? This doesn’t make sense….”
Jezebel.
“It’s not that bad to have a dirty illegitimate child…. “How can I ruin that face even more?”
Achan.
“This can’t be happening! Why did that guy inherit our last name? “Not just anyone can become a bevel!”
Sarah.
They are proud, stingy, greedy, impure, and directionless.
Five people who are blindly and endlessly buried in a certain emotion.
He was the 5th sibling of Balak and Narsisi.
The father, who had been lazy in taking care of her household, looked at them blankly.
Standing next to her, she did not think of the question whether Judas could kill a dead person again.
I couldn’t afford that.
The five people were standing around an anemone garden, stretching out their arms and swinging them towards the sky like zombies.
On top of that.
Above the middle of this wide field.
The black sun was rising.
The small sphere sparkled with a mysterious black light.
A heterogeneous color that seems to shine, but doesn’t seem to shine at all.
A void that is too high for humans to reach, but is not in space.
Judas was convinced when he saw the black sun.
‘Elijah.’
Over there, there is Elijah.
‘I found it.’
That is Elijah himself.
