47. Feeling like mud
[Episode 47] – Feeling like mud
Vivien told Titania that she might be able to see her ‘face to face’, and she said a few days ago. Titania puffed out her cheeks a little in her uncontrollable irritation and asked her Ellie, who was tidying her own hair.
“Ellie, what is the match?”
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“Yes? Ah… A meeting with someone who might get married soon…? Should I say?”
“Huh-“
She said she was no different from what she knew, and Titania let out a small sigh as she rested her chin on her chin and narrowed her eyes. She then sat down in her chair and thumped her unreachable foot in annoyance.
Dating and getting married.
It was a story she had heard countless times from her husband, the Marquis, when she was young, saying that she had to become a princess without shame to her husband, who would marry her someday, and that even if she prepared now, it would be too late.
She just thought that maybe she misunderstood, maybe her mother said the wrong thing, and she just did a meaningless escape from reality. She, even Titania, knew the meaning of those words better than anyone else.
Looking at Titania as she kicked the air in her chair, unable to control her bubbling irritation, Ellie smiled bitterly at her and asked her Titania.
“Aren’t you going to see Her Highness today as well?”
“…Yes. I’ll just stay in my room.”
Ellie let out a small sigh that Titania couldn’t hear, then bowed her head and left Titania’s room. She leaves her word for whatever she wants to call herself.
Titania Also, when Eli goes out of her room and is left alone in her room, she sighs so that the ground goes out and throws herself on her bed, pulling her blanket up to her head. Overwritten
Titania’s little secret base under the blanket that she wore from her childhood to the ends of her head. Titania was immersed in her thoughts, rolling over under her blanket as if it didn’t matter what happened to her just-cleaned hair.
Actually, her heart was like a chimney, wanting to run to her mother right away and apologize, saying that she was sorry, but every time she did that, she remembered her mother’s expression, who said she had a fight against her, and said, Something squeezed inside her.
‘Titania, there may be a confrontation soon. It might still be too soon to face a 10-year-old, but… How about seeing each other for now? He might be a pretty good opponent.’
‘Meeting…?’
‘Yes, face to face. The third prince from a neighboring country is coming with an envoy that will arrive soon. At that time, I wanted to meet you… And, it was quite popular. He’s still eight years old, but he’s handsome… And has a gentle personality, so he’s loved by the country…’
‘Mother… Would you like me to marry that person?’
Yes, the expression of her trying to smile as if she had given up on something. The moment she saw her mother’s expression, Titania looked at her mother, frowning at the emotion she felt for the first time in her life.
‘Wouldn’t it be nice if I could get engaged… Even if it wasn’t until marriage?’
It seems that ‘herself’ was included in her giving up, so every time Titania recalled that expression, a certain emotion boiled over like mud.
For some reason, the only word that comes out of her mouth is ‘liar’.
A hot, muddy, unfamiliar feeling, as if something is rising from deep inside your heart. Titania was at a loss because of this feeling she felt whenever she saw Vivian’s face.
Titania, who was rolling and tossing and burying her face in her pillow, poked her head out of her blanket and tapped twice on the surface of the mirror necklace hanging around her neck.
The surface of her mirror shimmered, and Ainsel looked at Titania with her eyebrows lowered as if concerned. She hesitated for a moment, then Ainsell glanced at her and lifted her head, she asked Titania.
-Princess… Are you going to stay out of the room today? That’s why you shouldn’t chip…? Vivian and the others are sad…
“It’s not like that! More than that… what is your mother doing right now?”
-Vivian right now… Hold on, I’ll shine.
The surface of the mirror shook again, and Vivian’s image began to be reflected in the mirror as if it were right in front of her eyes. The image of Vivian sitting in her office and talking about something serious with Bang Shaw.
A figure you don’t usually show yourself. Titania smiled bashfully at her sincere yet wonderful mother figure. It doesn’t matter if you look at it from a distance…
Whenever she met or had a conversation with her mother, Titania unconsciously shook her head and pretended to be angry, as if drowning in the emotions boiling inside her.
‘Actually, that’s not the case… I want to reconcile right away and be with her mother…’
As if saddened by not being able to control her own emotions, Titania blankly looked at her mother’s reflection in her mirror. As she continued to look at her mother, Ainsel whispered softly.
-It looks like work is coming to an end soon… Why don’t you visit us right now? I’m sure Vivian would be happy when the princess visits her too.
“But…”
Wouldn’t he be angry if I actually visited him? Until now, what she had been avoiding in anger was herself, but she was at a loss as to what kind of face she would look at her mother.
As I thought about it, the mirror reflected the image of my mother stretching her arms high into the sky, as if the work was over. Seeing that, Aincel called out to Titania as if urging her.
-I think now is my chance! It’s not too far from the office… Let’s go!
“Uh, uh…?”
– Hurry up!
Titania sprang from her bed as Ainsel urged her to raise her voice. As she tried to run out of the room, her messy hair was visible, and after tidying her up with her hands, she hurried out the door.
What do you say when you meet?
Should I say sorry first?
Are you sorry that I kept avoiding you without saying anything?
Titania, who was out of breath from running all the way to her office, caught her breath and poked her head out through the slightly ajar office door. Then, I saw her mother sitting in her chair, drinking her tea and resting for a while.
The moment I met her face like that, I felt a mud-like emotion gripping her heart again. It wasn’t just that she didn’t like it. Her strange feeling of uneasiness made her heart thump.
What the hell is this feeling that she feels every time she faces her mother.
Titania didn’t even know her name, and she was at a loss. One thing was certain, however, that the ‘smile’ that kept coming to mind whenever she saw her mother’s face was not to her liking.
Titania fell from the door of her office, turned her head, and headed back to her own room. Confused about the ainsel hanging around her neck, she asked Titania.
-Is it okay if I don’t visit…? You’ve come this far…?
“…I hate it.”
-But…
Titania didn’t answer Ainsel’s words anymore and quietly headed to her own room. Every time she took a step, she felt the illusion that her muddy mud was holding her ankles.
*
After that, it was just repetition.
Titania, seduced by Ainsel’s persuasion, circled around Vivian and returned to her room to become depressed. At most, up to three times a day, Titania circled Vivian.
Tired of her longing to apologize and the muddy feeling boiling within her, Titania continued to strain her heart as she couldn’t help it.
As she continued to spin around Vivian, Titania suddenly had this thought. If she can’t apologize directly, she can ask someone else to do it for her.
The person who came to Titania’s mind was none other than her grandmother. She was before the queen. Titania, believing that if it were her grandmother, she would speak well to her mother, she knocked on the Queen Mother’s office.
“Grandma… This is Titania… May I come in?”
“…Come in.”
When her permission to enter was granted, Titania slid open her door and with her sprint strides approached the Queen Mother. Titania watched quietly as the queen diligently wrote something down, as if she was still working.
“So, why did our granddaughter suddenly come to visit this grandmother?”
“Uh… That’s…”
When she tried to say her words, her lips didn’t part. The queen looked at her hesitant Titania, not knowing what to say, she let out a small sigh and lifted her titania up and placed her on her lap.
“There are rumors that she fought with the queen. Is that because of that?”
“I didn’t fight…”
When she asked if she had a fight, Titania pursed her lips and shook her head. The queen, who was looking at that figure, gently stroked Titania’s head, and as she guessed, she asked Titania.
“You cut down on her snacks, did that upset you?”
“That too…but…”
“Or is it because I’ve been busy lately and haven’t paid attention to you?”
“That, that is…”
Every time she asked, Titania’s cheeks began to swell as if something she was sad about came to mind. The queen mother who looked down at the scene smiled and rubbed her inflated cheeks.
“Or is it because of the upcoming ‘confrontation’?”
At the words of her match, Titania nodded her head slightly. The Queen Mother quietly sighed as she watched the scene, and she gently stroked Titania’s hair.
“Do you hate seeing matchmaking that much?”
Titania shook her head. It wasn’t that she didn’t particularly dislike seeing the match itself. It’s not that she hates seeing people she doesn’t even know face to face…
Tap, pop. Tears welled up in Titania’s eyes as she tried to spit her own thoughts out of her mouth. Seeing her shake her shoulders and swallow her tears, the Queen Mother gently patted her on the back.
“Speak slowly. What do you not like so much? Wouldn’t you have to tell me to know?”
As the Queen Mother patted her back, tears welled up in Titania’s eyes. As she wept, Titania, wiping away her tears, slowly opened her mouth and began to loosen what had built up inside her.
“Ha, would grandma want me to get engaged…?”
“…I don’t think so.”
“Uh, I guess my mother wants me to get engaged… I want me to get engaged…”
Once the tears started flowing, they did not stop easily. At her tears, the Queen Mother began to gently wipe Titania’s eyes with her handkerchief.
“Uh, I feel like my mother is bothering me… I don’t think she wants to see me… That’s why whenever I see her, I feel strange… Even though I feel like I’m angry… I feel sad like crying…”
“…There is no way your mother would abandon you. I don’t know why you’re thinking and feeling anxious. Does your mother look like someone who would bother you?”
At that, Titania shook her head. She knows best that Titania and her mother couldn’t be like that, but somehow she couldn’t do that in her heart.
She couldn’t help it because she was anxious, and she couldn’t stand it because she was nervous.
And, this feeling she felt was difficult to explain with her anxiety and nervousness alone. In addition to the anxiety and nervousness that she was about to abandon herself, something thick and stale simmered deep in her heart.
Titania has yet to define that feeling.
She just thinks it’s something between anxiety and nervousness.
The Queen Mother, who had been patting her on the back, sighed and looked at Titania. She comforted Titania, wiping the corners of her tear-stained eyes with her handkerchief, which was already drenched.
“Don’t be anxious when you know it so well. Even to me, your mother doesn’t seem bothered or intends to abandon you. When she said she wished they were engaged, she didn’t say that for the sake of your future.”
“…Keuheung.”
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“So, stop crying and go to your mother. The queen must be upset by now.”
The Queen Mother set her Titania down on her floor, which was sitting on her own lap, and, waving her hands, urged her to leave. Titania puffed out her cheeks and looked at the queen, but she was useless.
“I forbid you to come to my room until the two of you are reconciled. You might have thought of asking me to tell you something, but it’s polite to say something like this directly to the other person.”
It’s hot.
She hadn’t said anything yet, but Titania, having discovered her own plan, trembled her shoulders startled. She then pouted her lips, she stuck out and she forced herself to trudge out of her room.
That way over and over again.
Titania hovered around Vivian and tried to talk to her, but in the end she ignored Vivian’s words to talk outside her door, instead of talking to her until the day the envoys arrived.
After that, it was repeated again and again.
Every day, she secretly looks at her mother through her ain cell, and when she has a chance, she approaches her mother, hovers around her, feels soggy, and returns to her own room. To return to.
It was repeated dozens or hundreds of times.
*
After the delegation arrived, the castle was a bit messy due to a sudden incident. Usually, when a foreign royal family visits a country, it was polite to prepare food or the like to match the taste of the royal family as much as possible.
It was normal to prepare and serve what the neighboring country told us in advance about what kind of food we like, what kind of food we are allergic to, but…
The preparations that had been made so far were colorless, and the ‘Third Prince’ did not come to the delegation.
At a party carefully prepared for the visit of the ‘third prince’, a ‘woman’ who was not invited came up to me, lifted her skirt up nicely and bowed.
A woman with an elegant yet sophisticated atmosphere.
A woman with light brown hair and deep black eyes that you would mistake for blondes if you looked at her in the sunlight looked at me and smiled.
“I’m sorry for coming so unexpectedly. My ‘younger brother’ suddenly came down with a contagious disease and I had no choice but to come urgently.”
“You are…?”
“My name is Fiona Silverward. The ‘Second Princess’ of the Silver Ward Kingdom meets Her Highness, Queen Vivian Liriansol.”
A name and face that is different from the past and has no expected fairy tale.
But for some reason, as I looked at Fiona, I felt a tremendous sense of discomfort running through her body. The sense of incongruity that passed her by made the hairs all over her body stand on end.
‘What is it…?’
It was the first time since then that I felt a sense of incongruity because the original work was changed.
Unlike the game, when I found out that the first queen, Aurora, was alive.
Feeling uncomfortable for the first time since then, I unknowingly raised her forearm.
