122. Responsibility
[Episode 122] – Responsibility
“Queen… Vivian Liriensol, Her Majesty the Queen’s funeral was completed three days ago.”
“Ah… I see. At last…”
I took out a funeral invitation to the guard in front of the royal castle, but I was told that Her Majesty the Queen’s funeral had already ended three days ago. In the end, as I bowed my head in guilt for being late, the guard captain suggested with a bitter expression that it would be a good idea to at least visit the shrine.
“…Since you are here, how about visiting the grave of Her Majesty the Queen? “I’m sure Her Majesty the Queen will be pleased with your visit.”
“…Is that so? Then let’s do it. “Thank you.”
I gladly accepted the offer and bowed my head to thank the guard captain. The guard captain, who knew me, waved his hand, but I was still thankful. So I was able to enter the royal castle through the door opened by the guard captain.
‘As expected, nothing has changed.’
I crossed the snow-covered garden and slowly headed to Her Majesty the Queen’s grave. Suddenly, as I looked around, I realized that I had lived here for a really long time. Memories of Titania were overflowing everywhere in the castle. Memories of reading storybooks under a tree and playing in a fountain until my dress got soaked.
Every time I took a step, memories of Titania came to mind and I smiled bitterly for some reason. Katarina, who followed behind, opened her mouth and was busy looking at the castle, probably for the first time in a place like this. Is this strange because we have been living in hiding in the countryside or forests where there are few people?
“Ah.”
As I walked slowly, avoiding people’s gaze, I sighed softly as I remembered something I had forgotten. Artificial flowers to be placed on the tombstone. Even if there were no fresh flowers because it was winter, I should have brought some artificial flowers. As I let out a short sigh, Katarina, who was behind me, called out to me and poked my back.
“Rain, Vivian. “I made this…”
When I turned my back and looked at Katarina, there was a small white artificial flower in her hand. Katarina, who was quicker than she expected, smiled at her actions and patted her head. She made this, did she make it with magic?
“…Thank you.”
After receiving the artificial flowers made by Katarina, I turned her head and headed back to Her Majesty the Queen’s grave. As we headed toward the cemetery, the snowstorm became more and more severe. I smiled bitterly because the snowstorm was so harsh that I couldn’t see clearly, as if it was getting angry and asking why I had come now.
Step by step, ignoring the snowstorm, I slowly headed towards the place where Her Majesty the Queen was sleeping. As I got closer to the cemetery, my heart began to beat anxiously and sweat leaked from my palms. It was because I was afraid of facing the death of Her Majesty the Queen.
I have known since the Queen Mother gave me an invitation to the funeral.
Not long after, Her Royal Highness the Queen Mother will pass away. That she will soon die. Her head understood that when that time came, she would naturally accept it, but her heart did not.
As expected, I could not calmly accept the death of someone close to me.
The moment Her Majesty the Queen’s tomb was seen through the snowstorm in the distance, large teardrops rolled down her cheeks. To me, the Queen Mother’s relationship with her daughter-in-law and her mother-in-law was not just what she seemed to be.
Her Highness the Queen Mother was like my ‘teacher’ and my ‘protector’ in the royal castle. She was a teacher who taught me how to live in the royal castle, and a protector who protected Titania and me from other nobles.
The Queen Mother was the one who helped, cared for, and took care of me as I was unable to adapt to living in the royal castle. The fact that Her Majesty the Queen could not witness her death or attend her funeral was enough to make me feel terrible regret and guilt.
‘I feel like I’m going to yell right now and ask why I’m here now…’
I somehow held back the tears that were flowing and slowly placed the artificial flower in front of the tombstone. Even while paying my respects in front of the cemetery, it was difficult to accept the fact that Her Majesty the Queen had passed away.
You told me you would live a long time. She said she would watch over Titania until she became her queen. She really didn’t have much time left, and it was just sad that she passed away before she could last that long.
“…I’m sorry. Now that you’ve come to see me. “Am I too late?”
I smiled and spoke to Her Majesty the Queen’s grave. Even though I knew there was no way I would hear an answer, I couldn’t bear the pain if I didn’t talk to him at least like this.
“…It’s because of the snow. The place where I live was completely covered in snow, so the news that Her Majesty the Queen had passed away came too late. “I am now-“
I approached the tomb and told Her Highness what had happened over the past year. I talked very briefly about where I live now, what I do, who I live with, and other things.
“…It’s harder than living in a royal castle, but I’m doing well enough to not starve to death. “Thanks to the money that Her Majesty the Queen gave us, we are not living in such difficult times that you might worry.”
It seemed as if Her Majesty the Queen’s voice could be heard through the sound of the driving snowstorm. ‘Of course I have to live well. ‘I gave you so much.’ Her Majesty the Queen’s voice is smiling.
Knowing the sound my delusion had made, I smiled bitterly, got up from my seat, and sighed. White breath came out of my mouth along with a feeling of extreme guilt. Cold. Too cold.
When it was cold and painful like this, I could forget everything if I hugged Titania. Just hugging Titania under the cozy blanket and feeling the child’s warmth melted my painful heart.
Is that why it is like that?
At this moment, I felt like I was going crazy because I wanted to see Titania.
I know that I am selfish.
I came out hoping that Titania wouldn’t depend on me, but I still depend on her. Even though I know these feelings will not be forgiven. Just once, just once is okay…
“…I miss you. Really.”
Was I such a fool? I continued to feel selfish. How is Titania doing? Her Majesty the Queen has passed away, and isn’t it because I am also suffering because she is not by her side?
If you are really suffering and sad, I wanted to comfort you. I wanted to hold the crying Titania in my arms, pat her on the back, and comfort her. Quite selfishly, this thought was for me.
To soothe this painful and frustrating heart, I needed Titania. I wanted to comfort Titania and be comforted again. Because comforting Titania meant comforting me.
But…
“Mother! Mom…! Mom!!”
My head suddenly turned as I heard a voice desperately calling me.
Soon, the castle door creaked open, and Titania started running towards me, calling out to me from afar. In this cold winter, she wasn’t even dressed properly, and even though she fell on the floor, she ran straight towards me.
No. Absolutely not.
You must not meet Titania now.
It wasn’t that I didn’t want to meet him.
We were not supposed to meet.
If I meet Titania like this, I will be bound by her for the rest of my life. No, I want to be bound by Titania. It was not for Titania, but for ‘me’.
If I were for Titania, I shouldn’t have met her now. Even if she begged to see me, even if she fell on a rock and bled, I couldn’t show Titania her face.
From the beginning, I wanted Titania to leave my side and become independent. I hoped I wouldn’t be a nuisance to that child. Wasn’t that why she left Titania’s side? Therefore…
I asked Katharina next to her, extending her hand.
“…Katarina. “Let’s go back.”
“Yes, yes…? Really…?”
Katarina hesitated as she looked at Titania running from a distance, but I quickly held her hand and begged her to get ready to go back. I had to get out of this castle before Titania came.
“Hurry!”
Only after I shouted did Katarina begin to prepare to go back.
Perhaps it was due to the blizzard or magic, but my vision began to shimmer. Through my blurred vision, I saw Titania approaching me with tears in her eyes. Titania, whom I met for the first time since I was 15 years old.
Ebony hair fluttered through the pure white snowstorm. Red eyes and bright red lips, like blood drops falling on the accumulated snow, begged and wished only for me. Please don’t leave my side.
Please stay by my side.
But…
It was a wish that could not be fulfilled.
I had to leave Titania’s side. She shouldn’t have been around that child. I shouldn’t have to rely on Titania any more than this. Because I ruined Titania. I, Titania…
I had to leave because I loved him.
*
When Titania arrived at her tombstone, she simply gazed at her grandmother’s blizzard-filled grave with empty eyes. Clearly, her mother was one step ahead. Obviously, there was…
“Ha, ha…”
In the blink of an eye, her mother’s image had disappeared from nowhere. Titania laughed helplessly at the sight of her mother disappearing like a mirage.
Clearly, her mother was right in front of her just a moment ago. The footprints still remaining and the newly placed artificial flowers in front of the tombstone proved that her mother had been here just a moment ago. But…
“Where did you go…? Yes…? Mom…”
My mother was nowhere to be found.
Even when she turned her head and looked behind her tombstone, her mother was not here. Even though she wanted to believe that she had seen nothing, she was saying that the traces of her mother who had been here were not nothing. If so, that is…
“Again, me…”
You threw it away.
You abandoned me twice.
Not once, but twice.
“Liar…”
Liar. Liar. Liar.
I made a promise with my little finger. They say that if you break it, you will eat a thousand needles. You said you would stay with me for the rest of your life. I said I would definitely come pick you up. You always said you wanted to meet me. Me…
Titania collapsed from its place.
It hurt so, so much, like there was a hole in my chest. No, I couldn’t express it simply by saying it hurt. It was painful. The pain of being abandoned twice was more painful than all the pain I had experienced in my life.
“Ah, ugh…!”
Titania, raking the snow off the ground, raised her head and looked at the sky.
The snowstorm pouring down on my skin was extremely cold. The snow that touched my skin felt like my heart would freeze at any moment, and the harsh wind felt like it was cutting into my skin. I really wanted to die.
From noble mtl dot com
“I don’t need a position like a queen! Just, I just need a mother! Why on earth! You can’t do that one thing?! You said you were content with just being around! I told you I’m not begging you to love me! Because I don’t need everything! Just by her mother’s side…!”
Titania looked into empty space and let out sobbing anger. She could not understand her mother, who had abandoned her twice, and she could not understand the ministers who had kicked her mother out. No, she didn’t want to understand.
“How can you be so irresponsible! You are the one who made me like this!! You are the one who raised me and loved me!! Then you are responsible!! Either love me!! Whether you hate it!! Do it in front of me!! Don’t leave my side, do it in front of me!! So please…”
Titania, her body trembling, curled up in the snow and sobbed.
I loved her mother as her parent, and as a woman. She directed the love she would feel throughout her life to only one person: her mother. She didn’t know how to love anyone else, she only loved her mother all her life.
So, she could not give up on that love.
She couldn’t give up on her beloved mother.
No matter how she ran away, she had to be caught and brought back.
Titania got up from her seat and began to trudge back to the castle. Behind her, her maids took her blankets and towels and wrapped them around Titania’s body, but she did not feel warm at all.
Upon entering her castle, Titania felt her vision brighten. However, on the contrary, her Titania’s eyes lost their shine and became increasingly blurred. Her bright eyes began to darken.
Even though her maids supported her, Titania thought only about her mother.
…Okay, let’s tie it up next time we meet.
If you don’t tie it up, it will escape again.
I feel like I’m going crazy every time I get out of sight, so let’s tie it up and lock it in my room. Let’s tie it up so it can’t run away again, so it can’t escape my eyes. Listening to her mother’s excuses comes next.
I only have you, but you keep avoiding me. Avoid, avoid, avoid. You keep getting out of my sight. I think this is the only way for me to keep you by my side.
If I tie you up and lock you up, will you hate me? Would they hate it? Would you hate it? But, it can’t be helped, right? Mother, all the fault lies with you for abandoning me twice.
So, next time, don’t run away.
Three times.
I will never forgive you.
