451 Self-destruction
Selma Payne’s POV:
My mother gave me a warm hug when I returned to a private family setting.
“Welcome back, my dear daughter.” She almost couldn’t hold back her tears. “I’m very sorry for Aldrich, for everything.”
I still wanted to pretend everything was normal, but as a child, I could never hide it from my parents. Besides, this wasn’t a video call thousands of miles away. I did not doubt that if it weren’t for Rhode covering for me, my adoptive parents would’ve seen through me in a minute, just like my biological parents.
I really wanted to tell them that I could take it all, but the words turned into aggrieved whimpers. It was as if my body had developed its own consciousness and was completely out of my control. I was like a child venting all of my negative emotions.
The sudden burst of tears completely broke down the psychological defense I had painstakingly built. Before anyone could say anything, I was the first to collapse in my mother’s gentle embrace.
I heard myself crying and complaining intermittently. There was no logic at all. It was just some childish complaints. However, neither my father nor my mother said anything. They just held me in their arms and silently endured my venting.
The negative emotions that had been suppressed in the bottom of my heart exploded. I cried so much that I lost my memory. Other than crying, I didn’t remember anything. By the time I remembered to look up at the sun outside the window, the moon had already replaced the sun.
Crying so much caused me to be a little dehydrated, and I couldn’t help but sob. My face was covered in snot and tears. I didn’t even need to look in the mirror to know that I was in a sorry state.
“I’m sorry, Father, Mother, I…” I guiltily apologized to my parents, who had been crying with me. I shouldn’t have done such a childish thing. Even the ‘Little Wolf’ didn’t cry so miserably as me.
‘Little Wolf’ refers to my child. He still didn’t have an official name of his own. My mother always calls him ‘Little Wolf’ in a gentle voice, so our whole family slowly started calling him that.
My parents didn’t blame me. Their eyes were filled with worry that I couldn’t understand. “This isn’t your fault, child. It’s not your fault. You’re too tired and need to take a good break.”
My father, who had always been kind and generous, even took the initiative to give me a holiday for the first time. “How about a simple week of rest? This journey has been full of danger. It would be best if you had time to adjust your state of mind, child. Maybe being close to the wolf cub can help you calm down. Children are always mother’s little angels.”
However, I didn’t think it was a good time to vacation. At this time, with internal and external troubles, everyone was carrying the burden of responsibility and moving forward. What right did I have to be free from everything?
So, I refused without hesitation and said I needed a good night’s sleep and could continue working the following day.
However, what I got in return was not my parents’ praise but my father’s heavy sigh and my mother’s suddenly red eyes.
“We all know, Selma.” My mother held my hand in a sobbing tone. “It’s about your fear and your self-isolation. I’m sorry that we secretly asked Dorothy about your recent condition, but we were really scared, scared…”
As my mother spoke, she covered her mouth with a choked sob. Tears rolled down her cheeks, but they corroded my heart like sulfuric acid.
I didn’t blame them for privately asking someone else about me. Who would blame them for their concern?
I was just afraid that all my pretense would be useless. I knew I was sick. I knew I should see a doctor, but I hoped everything could be done in private, and it was best not to let anyone know except me because I didn’t want to cause trouble for anyone. I didn’t want any more accidents because of me. I didn’t want…
I didn’t want to be the seed of disaster.
I kept thinking, ‘Why me?’ Leviathan pestered me for no reason. I didn’t do any forbidden rituals or contact any cult members. I just went to a friend’s house to attend a party, and my life slipped into the dark abyss.
From the Rocky Mountains to the Elf Forest. Looking back, I swore everything I did was out of my conscience, but the Goddess of Fate didn’t seem to care for me. She didn’t even want to look at my future and past. She let the endless stream of demons, cultists, wanderers, and conspirators destroy my life.
So, why me?
No matter how hard I thought, I couldn’t think of a reason. In the end, like all self-loathing people, I could only attribute everything to myself.
Perhaps I was born a curse, so I brought disaster wherever I went. To my adoptive parents, my parents, my lover, my friends, my neighbors, and even everyone I’d never met.
